He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
