Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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