I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
