worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
