I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
