so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
