I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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