I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
