you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
