if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
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