So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
