I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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