There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
