The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
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