I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
