So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Randomize
