i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I wish you could order shots online.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
