Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
