It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
