alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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