Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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