Hey man sorry I got all grabby
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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