i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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