dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
You are a genius and a whore.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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