im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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