There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
