she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
