I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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