you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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