I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
