new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
