wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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