I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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