It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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