I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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