I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
