Who wears a wallet chain?!
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
