i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
