My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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