wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
