BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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