if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
