It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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