8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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