omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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