also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
