I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
