just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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