I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
