chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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