I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Randomize
